Does your boyfriend still bring you flowers? Unexpected presents? Sometimes put on mood music and light candles at dinner?
No?
Well, I’ll be darned! That’s so hard to believe!
Actually, it’s not hard to believe at all. It happens all the time. And the reasons can be easily explained (we’ll get to that.)
What I know is that it makes your life feel bland. The “spice” is gone. Every day is the same monotonous routine. Perhaps you are contemplating an affair.
I often hear it said that “communication” is the key to relationship issues. So hopefully you’ve tried to talk to him about this. Right? And nothing’s changed? So much for “communication.”
Actually, I think “communication” is over-hyped. It is important, sure, but it is not the magic bullet that solves all relationship problems. You need to get this out of your head.
I suggest replacing “communication” with some basic knowledge about what makes relationships work or not work. THEN you’ll have something to “communicate” about!
Why do you want him to be romantic anyway? There is no functional purpose in it.
Whoa! Did I say that? (Just testing you.)
Being romantic does have a functional purpose. It says “you are special,” and that’s important for everyone to know and feel. It also provides a softer, quieter environment, even if for a short time, and this allows routine to fade away and renewed energy to come alive.
Who knows, it might even lead to sex!
So, what has he told you about his non-romantic behavior? “I just don’t feel it”? “I’m too tired”? “That’s silly woman stuff”? “There isn’t time”?
These are all excuses for not facing the issue. And what is the issue? YOUR FEELINGS!
You have a right to have feelings, and to have them acknowledged, and to see actions on his part that display a desire to make you feel good. Without this, what is love?
So what ARE the reasons he is no longer romantic?
Reason #1. Many men are brought up to be strong, macho, impervious to feelings. This is a holdover from the cave men, but old habits die hard. They are uncomfortable when you bring up your feelings, and this applies to many things, not just being romantic.
Reason #2. The infatuation period has faded into reality. It’s entirely possible that after the initial stages of the relationship he no longer feels the way he once thought he did. If he doesn’t feel it, it will be hard for him to show romantic interest in romantic ways.
Reason #3. He is scared. He perceives that being romantic will indicate a further level of commitment, and he doesn’t want to go there (yet). So he withholds outward ways of showing affection (he doesn’t withhold sex, of course).
Reason #4. He is bored. This may be a result of his own immaturity and inability to display imagination in the relationship. Or it may be a result of your own immaturity and your own inability to show imagination and variety, or to appreciate what he does do. Either of these factors could cause him to shut down.
Reason #5. He takes you for granted. Sure, he had to work hard to get you in the first place, but now that he has you he doesn’t have to put in the same level of effort. This is a very natural behavior, but it is also a sign of immaturity.
Reason #6. All of the above. More than likely it is some combination of all these reasons, and it is going to be up to you to figure out which are most important and how to deal with them.
If you love him but are wondering if this is as good as it gets, the answer is simple. It CAN be better!
Here’s a hint: don’t expect him to take the initiative on this. He’s not likely to get out of his rut unless you do something to make it happen! “Unless things change, they will remain the same…”
